Chapter Twenty Five: Stuck in the Infertility Flowchart

You know the charts I mean, where each step is a box and you follow the arrows to the next box? This flowchart is supposed to end with pregnancy. 

At first my wait was exciting; thinking I could be pregnant in just a few months. Then it turned to frustration waiting to see if I would be disappointed yet again, month after month. I waited for scheduled appointments and tests anxiously hoping that whatever they uncovered was treatable. Inevitable hiccups happened which added more time to the wait but eventually moved us farther down the flowchart. 

Eventually after all that waiting; there’s an actual waiting list. FINALLY I arrived at IVF, the holy grail of overcoming infertility. Hormones to overtake my body for the right amount of time in order to trick my body into thinking I am actually fertile. After that there’s basically the longest two weeks of my life to wait and see if it was success or failure. 

I have never seen double lines appearing on my pregnancy tests. I’ve been waiting over three years for them to materialize. I’m trapped in the flowchart; looping back to the previous step over and over again. The longest two weeks of my life gets repeated again and again. My life has been consumed with the flowchart. The frustrating heartbreak becoming more and less manageable at each stage; but never really going away. It dictates my whole life. It makes me feel toxic emotions like jealousy, bitterness and desperation. I don’t want to live like this. It’s not who I am. How can it be so easy for some people to have this miracle, yet remain so elusive to me? I have already accepted a hard truth that medical intervention and using another woman’s genetic material is the only way I will ever have a baby growing in my womb. Apparently that’s not enough for me to get my miracle. Where is my miracle? Will there ever be a miracle? How do I get to the exit? Is there an exit? 

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6 thoughts on “Chapter Twenty Five: Stuck in the Infertility Flowchart

  1. Well I’m one of the few who can say I completely understand. Six fails at DEIVF for us including a horrible miscarriage on try #4, along with a failed international adoption as Ethiopia closed after 2 years waiting for a match, and now we’re using our credit card to go towards domestic adoption. It’s a clusterfuck of the worst kind. I can’t find any blogs with women who’ve had this many fails… I feel like a freak. All the “how to deal” books and articles on Infertility are written by women who eventually made it over to the other side, you know?

    I’m glad we’re in the adoption wait but he’ll, with our track record it also feels like I’m kidding myself thinking anything I try will work…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine moving into the adoption route and have them shut the doors after 2 extra years of waiting. So heartbreaking. The truth is some people never make it to a baby, but lots of people don’t seem to see that. Luckily I have an Aunt and Uncle who- like you spent many years in these trenches but never got their victory of a precious baby to love. I really hope the domestic route works out for you and you can get to the other side. Love to you ❤️

    Like

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