You know the charts I mean, where each step is a box and you follow the arrows to the next box? This flowchart is supposed to end with pregnancy.
At first my wait was exciting; thinking I could be pregnant in just a few months. Then it turned to frustration waiting to see if I would be disappointed yet again, month after month. I waited for scheduled appointments and tests anxiously hoping that whatever they uncovered was treatable. Inevitable hiccups happened which added more time to the wait but eventually moved us farther down the flowchart.
Eventually after all that waiting; there’s an actual waiting list. FINALLY I arrived at IVF, the holy grail of overcoming infertility. Hormones to overtake my body for the right amount of time in order to trick my body into thinking I am actually fertile. After that there’s basically the longest two weeks of my life to wait and see if it was success or failure.
I have never seen double lines appearing on my pregnancy tests. I’ve been waiting over three years for them to materialize. I’m trapped in the flowchart; looping back to the previous step over and over again. The longest two weeks of my life gets repeated again and again. My life has been consumed with the flowchart. The frustrating heartbreak becoming more and less manageable at each stage; but never really going away. It dictates my whole life. It makes me feel toxic emotions like jealousy, bitterness and desperation. I don’t want to live like this. It’s not who I am. How can it be so easy for some people to have this miracle, yet remain so elusive to me? I have already accepted a hard truth that medical intervention and using another woman’s genetic material is the only way I will ever have a baby growing in my womb. Apparently that’s not enough for me to get my miracle. Where is my miracle? Will there ever be a miracle? How do I get to the exit? Is there an exit?