Chapter Twenty Seven: Running out of Hope

We’re now at four failed embryo transfers, three and a half years of trying, two donor IVF cycles and about $40,000 into this infertility wasteland. I think it’s legitimate to say I’m an infertility marathoner. Lately I’ve been coming to terms with accepting I will probably never become pregnant. I thought the hardest part of my grief would be not passing on my own genetics. (Premature Ovarian Failure) Now that I have been through four failed transfers though, I am facing an equally difficult stage of grief. 

This month has hit me especially hard because I had taken a pregnancy hormone injection on the embryo transfer day that was showing faint positive urine test results right up until just a few days before my blood test. I was also feeling stronger symptoms than in the previous cycles which had given me false hope. We have used 4 out of our 7 embryos. With over half of our tries behind us I don’t think it’s realistic to think that our chances for success with the rest are very high. 

I’m finding it harder and harder to be around kids and pregnant ladies. What’s even more difficult is when parents complain about their pregnancies and kids; or joke about giving them away. The likelihood of experiencing overwhelming feelings of jealousy is pretty much guaranteed at this point. I can see why infertile couples sometimes commit child abductions rather then going through proper channels to fill the instinct to parent. It does a number on your mental health. 

This month’s cycle will be another endometrial scratch and biopsy, then we will continue to transfer the last three of our embryos. For better or worse we are nearing the end of this experience and I’m definitely happy about that.


24 thoughts on “Chapter Twenty Seven: Running out of Hope

  1. Bless you, I’m so sorry it didn’t work. You know the drill, you need to take some time to grieve and gather your strength, to heal again. You are so strong, I think you’re doing amazing. I am keeping everything crossed for your next try, I really hope you get a positive outcome. Sending lots of love, take care ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I really feel for you. The feelings of jealousy are totally normal – I have felt just the same. We stopped after two rounds of IVF that felt like enough torture to us! So I admire your resilience. We are about to apply to adopt which I am so excited about. It had taken a lot to accept that I will never carry my own baby and that our children will not be little people who share our genetics and there won’t be any “oh doesn’t he have your eyes” moments, but that’s ok. I’m learning to live with that and to realise that there will be plenty of other, albeit slightly different, amazing moments on our journey into parenthood.
    I really hope you get your miracle xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel you. It is tiresome. and that thought of not passing the genetics always crosses my mind and then again I think from whom did i get those? None of my female ancestors as far as I know did not had POF.
    Hugs for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m sorry your having such a rough time!
    It can be so hard especially when your hopes have risen to fall back down again!

    I just wanted to let you know also.. I nominated you to do this post I tagged you in! I thought it might be good for others to find out the reasons behind your blogging journey. No pressure though.
    Blogger recognition award – Post IVF world

    Liked by 1 person

  5. God I’m so sorry it didn’t work out. I know how devastating it is. You’re coping so well and being so strong. Don’t push yourself too fast into another round. But whatever you feel is best. I hope my surrogacy journey in Ukraine gives you hope that there’s always a plan b. It’s not over til the fat lady sings and I ain’t singing yet!
    Take care of yourself xxx

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Well you’re still very much on plan a so just keep going. My advice to you is get as much sleep as you possibly can this month. Nap nap nap. I think this really helps the body strengthen and replenish. I know you’ve taken a huge knock but I’m still optimistic for you xxx

        Liked by 1 person

  6. I feel the same. Our last two transfers failed and I feel our next have little odds. I’m trying to let go, but it’s hard seeing babies and kids sometimes. My cousin just had another one at the age of 39 with no problems. She got pregnant with ease. It’s hard to think about. I know this is an old post, but your words still resonate with me.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I’m so sorry you’re in this shitty club with me. It’s so unfair that some are blessed with fertility while others are not. You even start to be jealous of the people who IVF works for; never mind the pregnant lady at the grocery store with two toddlers in tow. Yes, it is an old post but you know what… the emotions are the same for me now as they were then. It’s ok to feel however you are feeling. You don’t have to feel ‘positive and full of hope’ – the outlook most outsiders want us to have. It’s normal to feel toxic. It’s a crappy situation. It’s ok to feel crappy about it. Love to you.


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