Chapter Twenty Seven: Running out of Hope

We’re now at four failed embryo transfers, three and a half years of trying, two donor IVF cycles and about $40,000 into this infertility wasteland. I think it’s legitimate to say I’m an infertility marathoner. Lately I’ve been coming to terms with accepting I will probably never become pregnant. I thought the hardest part of my grief would be not passing on my own genetics. (Premature Ovarian Failure) Now that I have been through four failed transfers though, I am facing an equally difficult stage of grief. 

This month has hit me especially hard because I had taken a pregnancy hormone injection on the embryo transfer day that was showing faint positive urine test results right up until just a few days before my blood test. I was also feeling stronger symptoms than in the previous cycles which had given me false hope. We have used 4 out of our 7 embryos. With over half of our tries behind us I don’t think it’s realistic to think that our chances for success with the rest are very high. 

I’m finding it harder and harder to be around kids and pregnant ladies. What’s even more difficult is when parents complain about their pregnancies and kids; or joke about giving them away. The likelihood of experiencing overwhelming feelings of jealousy is pretty much guaranteed at this point. I can see why infertile couples sometimes commit child abductions rather then going through proper channels to fill the instinct to parent. It does a number on your mental health. 

This month’s cycle will be another endometrial scratch and biopsy, then we will continue to transfer the last three of our embryos. For better or worse we are nearing the end of this experience and I’m definitely happy about that.